To Be In Love In Japan

Now there`s a difficulty. Of majestic proportions. For me, the language barrier alone is the sole humungous problem to this issue. But even to those ALTs with half decent Japanese/ those who can have a basic conversation, the creation of a relationship across this giant culture gap is pretty-much a non-starter.

Except that it`s not. There are ALTs with Japanese boyfriends/ girlfriends, but to the rest of us without – we just talk with incredulity at how this is ever achieved. The Japanese are so shy. I guess people are always shy when they like someone. But add to this shyness, the intense apprehension of/ shyness towards foreigners. Foreigners confuse Japanese just as much as I am confused by the behavior of Japanese. Which still now, is a lot.

Many ALTs complain that it is very hard to know if a Japanese person is attached at all! Because Japanese are not at all touchy-feely in public. You will rarely see a couple holding hands in public. In fact this is one thing foreigners in relationships have complained about – that there is no acknowledgement of the relationship in public at all. There is really no way of knowing if they`re attached unless they`re married and have a ring on their finger. I don`t really have a clue whether my guy that I like has a girlfriend or not.

But aside from that. The real problems with relationships in Japan are actually getting there in the first place. Subtle cues which are understood between 2 people from the same cultural background cannot be relied upon to have the same meaning to the other individual AT ALL. This makes it all excessively difficult to feel your way through, and understand what on earth is going on in their head.
It is my view that many Japanese are rather afraid of foreigners. I feel that sometimes in conversations. (Though, this could well be because of the fact that I tend to have conversations in English, and therefore naturally would always be the more confident partner in the conversation because I am the native tongue). I am typically more confident. I have the hang of knowing how to make them laugh, I lead the conversations often. Naturally, of course, because it`s my language. So they laugh with me.

The problem of speaking English all the time and not being able to have much of a conversation in Japanese is actually this. I am typically the conversation leader. I guide it, to topics that we can easily talk about, that will be familiar to both of us, that they can cope with based on their level of English. It`s great to be able to do this. And it`s why I have many Japanese friends. But, there is a problem in being a conversation leader rather than a conversation follower. It doesn`t give the other person much of a chance to volunteer their own thoughts/ feelings/ talk from a completely open space. By following a conversation leader like me, everything is a reaction to what I say. It means I never get to know what they really think because it`s all a reaction to what I say (and often agreement - because they are Japanese - and it`s a very Japanese thing to agree, and build consensus, especially when forming new friends).

Of course, this is by no means the only cause of me not knowing what Japanese people really think. The Japanese are notorious for this anyway. Saying things just to please people when their true thoughts are kept hidden. For the other party to guess at. Which is fine if you have grown up in this culture, and you know those subtle cues, and that subtlety of the language and the body language which must be quite different to the west. But the gaijin is really left a bit clueless with Japanese subtlety.

Most foreigner friends of mine, I imagine, would have difficulties with these subtleties of the language. The most ridiculous thing in my case is that my difficulties are with the blatantly obvious bits of conversation too. I can`t hardly have much of a conversation where I find out something I don`t really already know. I can only have conversations where I basically pretty much know what they`re going to say. (eg that`s beautiful isn`t it?, or sounds fun, or lets do this etc). It`s so base level it`s silly.

What a ridiculous situation to be in really. In a way it`s obvious to me that many people like me. I receive a lot of compliments much of the time and many Japanese people do tend to like me because I do tend to find making small talk with the ones who have a basic command of English really quite easy. But, taking things to the next level is fantastically difficult.

It`s obvious in the way someone looks at you that they like you. I guess maybe that is universal.

I can tell this from the Yoga boy. He`s often sneaking a look at me, and me him, and he`s very smiley and we enjoy chatting before and after the class. If we both spoke the same language – or even a related one would be good – it would be easy by this stage. But, his English is not as good as many of my Japanese friends and communication really is that bit more difficult. He said he liked the circus. I`m so keen to go and see a show in Tokyo at the moment. So I was so excited as I was researching it earlier this week to show him, and suggest we go. But, my god. So difficult to establish that suggestion!

The funny thing is I`m not even shy of making all the moves!. That`s the good thing about Japan I think. It has made me so much more confident with men. Because you have to be! The one certainty in all this uncertainty surrounding making a relationship in Japan is that you KNOW Japanese men are slightly scared of western women and would therefore NEVER make a move. So, I`m happy to make all the suggestions. The problem I have – is not with the confidence in making the suggestion – it is getting the meaning of the suggestion across in the first place!!

I really wanted to go with him to see the circus show in Tokyo. But turns out he`d already been! I THINK. But, to ask if he would want to go again – impossible. To do all that subtle suggesting, hinting language that I would do with native English people – impossible. So, we were left, leaning against the gym timetable at the end of our class, just grinning, head against the wall in frustration. Me wishing I could speak Japanese, him wishing he could speak English better I expect, both us probably not really wanting to leave and see you on Monday, but doing that anyway. Arghargh! Impossible situation.