In My Brain amoung the Rice Fields

I had a funny feeling last week when I was in the car with the usual gang – Gaku-chan, Vince, Jean and Andrew, Yuki, Tomoko and Yumiko in the car driving behind as we were heading north into Fukushima prefecture. We were doing a great daytrip - a walk in a nice forest (marked and paid for trail of course, with omiyagae shop at end) and then heading for V.G. cheesecake at our favourite coffeeshop after, and then the outdoor onsen, and then restaurant dinner. Perfect day. And it was a seriously beautiful drive on these mountain roads in the north of Ibaraki and Fukushima. Through mountainous tree-covered landscape and the stepped rice fields in the valley areas. They`re full of water with little green shoots growing through in this season and they`re particularly beautiful. But I suddenly had a feeling of not belonging to this landscape. I`m always quite interested in landscapes all around the world, I think because of my love of geography. So I do love all the different kinds of natural landscapes of all around the world. But I had this quite strong feeling of not belonging to this landscape of rice fields, and mountains where cedar trees cover the all slopes. I had a strong feeling that this landscape doesn`t come from where I come from. And therefore it meant that I felt that I did not belong here. It felt like quite a fundamental feeling. And it surprised me how I`ve kept thinking about it since then. Because I have been here for 10 months now – it`s not like this landscape surprised me. It`s more that – I have been here for 10 months, I have good friends here, I really enjoy my social lifestyle here, and in general I do things that I like to do. So in a way I am “at home” in the sense I have created (with quite a lot of luck of the town, particularly the people in this town) a home and a lifestyle that I like here. (All be it, always knowing that I want to leave because it is too far from my family). So I do, in the social sense, feel happy and at home here. But, last week – I had this important feeling created from the rice fields and mountains, and the small Japanese settlements where the houses look all different, that this is DEFINITELY NOT MY HOME and definitely not where I come from.

I should perhaps feel surprised that it has taken me 10 months before I have felt this feeling of not belonging here. But actually, I CAN understand it. The reason I have enjoyed Japan so much is because of my attitude here. I have been totally laidback. Been totally receptive to the way Japanese people do things, totally accepting of ALL the TINY, LITTLE DIFFERENCES that make up my life here. Been totally accepting of “oh yeah there`s another rice field over there, next to that house in a town!” My attitude has been whatever – lets do whatever! OK fine – you tell me! That`s the way to discover a new culture by keeping your assumptions about how things should be right down inside you and not near the surface at all. Especially in my beginning few months I would NEVER make a suggestion about where to go/ what to do/ what to eat/ when to do these things – I would never impose at all so I could experience Japan TO THE MAXIMUM.

They are small things all these differences, but just recently my brain has been thinking in a way where I just step out of myself. I see that all these tiny differences in my lifestyle here that have joined together to created something huge. It IS huge the difference of my life in Japan. But if I try to describe it I can only list small insignificant things. It doesn`t seem much when I try to list them. I can`t list them even, because I forget what they are. Because individually they are SO insignificant. But all I know is that they have culminated into something quite big for me.

It`s as if the rice field moment I had last week has suddenly made me look at myself from the outside. When I was on the morning train with all the commuters and school kids I suddenly saw all these asian faces being different from me – almost for the first time! It sounds stupid and is a small exaggeration but I never thought about being so different from the rest of the people in my environment before. Having this thought only occurs to me when I see another unknown westerner on the train – which is definitely a rarity – I look at them and think about how odd they look, without really considering that odd looking foreigner is actually me. Everyday! Everywhere.