A Sudden Change of Direction

Well, a sudden change of feeling, a dramatic change of direction, and a big movement of cash, and I`m off home for Christmas in 3 weeks.

Up until the last couple of weeks I was brilliantly happy in Japan, and in a secure way. My job, and the other related aspects to being an ALT here is fulfilling. My social life was active, and I was thriving in my complete independence from my English friends and family.

When I signed the acceptance slip of my job offer from JET I knew full well the chanllenge of total independence from family support would be the biggest challenge to meet. I pushed myself to independence – that`s what I always want. That`s what I always view as an ultimate human achievement of human life. To push yourself to be able to survive completely alone in a foreign country. And I`ve done it. I`ve done it for 4 months here.

But I find myself questioning why I strive for this extreme independence all the time. At the end of the day (literally, too), I am on my own. Human beings are social animals. We are meant to form relationships with each other – that`s the real meaning in my existence. I am not in a relationship so the most important links are with my family. And here I am, the other side of the world, nearly as far away as I can be from the most significant relationships in my life at the moment.

My reasoning for my current independence is obviously not completely unfounded. I did definitely really want to come here. It is good to be able to know that you can rely on yourself. That you can survive and look after yourself. That you won`t fall apart if you don`t have your family and your friends around you for support. And because of this experience I have proved to myself that I can do that.

But, people shouldn`t just survive. They should live, and have meaning in their lives. If it just becomes survival through the days - just to prove a point, that you ae strong, and you can survive on your own, then that`s just ridiculous and pointless.

This is definitely not to say, things have got so bad to the extent I am just surviving here, which I am definitely not. As I said I find a lot to stimulate me in my job, (not so much the language teaching, but the opportunity to share my culture is something I find very rewarding).

However, it is the relationships that are a difficulty. Making friends takes timead obviously not everyone you meet at the beginning is such a good friend as you thought they were. People adjust their personalities to a common norm at the beginning – it`s natural of course – to get along with each other. I`m not complaining, I am just wanting something that is not here/ I haven`t found yet.
You need energy to stay in the social loop, energy to not fall out and not miss out on future events. I realise that, and I must keep my energy up.

I`ve concluded from my endless thinking about the meanings in my life, that I have decided to go go home for Christmas. It is starting to feel a terribly long time without my family. I can`t wait to see them – there is so much you miss out on, not being in physical presence with a person, and it is something I feel that I am increasingly missing.

Once the intial serious thought of going home first entered my mind as a serious possibility I think that opened a small gate in my brain that I had been keeping shut, as a “staying happy and on top of life” mechanism. It allowed me to fell, actually, yes, I really do want to be at home now. I don`t know if these feelings had been there for longer, but if I had been thinking them before I didn`t register it. And a good job too because I wouldn`t have enjoyed myself in Japan as much as I have done because half of my mind would have been in England.

Occasionally I feel as though it is giving up, to go home for Christmas. But the very fact I use that very language says something in itself. Giving up on what?? Giving up struggling alone?? If I got to that stage on non-enjoyment there is no point. Whay force myself not to be with my family when that is where Iwant to be?? Why take the difficult path? Should enjoy my relationships, and be with the people I want to be with.

Discovering other cultures is something I am diefinitely keen on, and is a passion of mine, but extended periods of life without people who are important to you is nothing, (or at least unnecessarily difficult).

I might well be idolising home. And of course, I probably am. Of course, Mum and Dad and E and J frustrate me.But, I am happy that I now have a definite plan to go home for Christmas. :-)